Late Snow
by Suharu
Summary: Yuki's mother writes the annual letter to her late son, a few years after the incident. The 3rd, the 10th and 30th year after.
1. 3rd Year

To my beloved,

I'm getting there, I'm getting better. I know you didn't want me to know, didn't want me to worry. Your last days on earth, were so full of smiles. I'd ask, "Would you like some tea? Do you need anything?" and you'd smile, instead of frowning, and you'd dismiss me with your everlasting: "No mom, I'm good." You'd say it with a smile. I should've known that something was wrong, something wasn't like my moody teenage boy.

I am not blaming myself anymore.

I hear them talking. They whisper shamelessly, "If only he'd have a father," "If only he'd have someone to turn to."  
Slowly, I learn to let it go. Before you were born, I've heard them whisper, that I'm making a mistake, that the hardest thing I'll ever do is to raise you on my own. They were wrong.

The hardest thing I've had to do is to let you go.

They are wrong this time as well.

I don't blame myself.

I am not allowed, even though I want to.  
Every mother knows when something is off, something is wrong with her kid. I knew it very well. I've seen the tears and I've seen the dirt marks and the bruises, even though I pretended not to. But boys will be boys, and big boys don't cry. Or maybe they pretend not to, in front of the people they are trying their hardest to protect. I myself was thinking that by letting you be, I am protecting you from myself, from my unnecessary emotions. That I am teaching you to be tougher.  
Maybe there's something wrong with the way we are used to treating our boys. Maybe we should teach them to depend on us more, to be more selfish when it's needed.  
But mothers, we always know.  
I wish I could've brought you to a different world. A world in which you'd feel free to be yourself. Free to love and get hurt. A pure first love. Shameless, boundless. Silly. Free to cry, free to laugh. A forever kind of love. Or a summer fling.  
You could take it, take their treatment of you, but not the world's view of him. The distance you've put between you two, was meant to protect, but ended up putting more weight on those tiny shoulders of yours.  
The music you've found your shelter at, turned into the biggest obstacle, it tore an abyss between the two of you.  
An abyss, that was meant for protection, consumed both of my beloved boys into darkness.

He doesn't blame you, even though he could. He doesn't forgive you either.

Mafuyu chan finally came to visit. He was smiling, eyes sparkling as he was telling me of live performances, of high school and of love. He left me your Gibson. Frankly, he thinks there's a person who'll need it more than him to remember you by. You are always with him, wherever he goes. You've never left. The people we love never leave us, not really. But what about the people who never got to know you?

I'm pregnant. You are going to be a big brother.

I don't blame myself, but I am responsible.

My boy, you can finally be selfish now. You didn't get to so on earth, and that's my responsibility. It was my responsibility to let you be a child, to take it all off your back. You bring a child into this world, and you look them in the eyes, and it's the purest kind of love, a precious feeling. You can't even start to imagine that anyone would want to hurt them. And then they do, and you're helpless, you've never anticipated that. Who would've thought? I should've thought.  
You've asked me not to blame myself, and I'm trying to. I just wish I would've asked the same of you.

The first snow of the year feels warm. It is familiar. It is you. I am never alone. Everything I do, you're with me. I'm not lonely and yet I miss you, I miss you so much. Your last days on earth were so full of smiles, as if you were trying to make up for a lifetime. I can't bring myself to cherish those smiles, so instead, I cherish the frowns, the anger and the breakdowns, since now I know how sincere those were.

I love you forever,  
will write to you again soon.

Mom.


	2. 10th Year

My love,

The first snow of this year has been brief. It came suddenly, without anyone anticipating it, and was gone by the morning. It has been sunny since, and it seems like it was gone without leaving a trace. It's not entirely true though, because the warm sweaters we took out, and the hot pot we've been cooking, suggest that no matter how brief it was, the traces of it were left with us.

Our snowless days have been warm and exciting. Hana-chan took after you, she has a great knack for bringing home strays. The last one she brought in a few months ago was particularly interesting.  
After 3 kittens we've kept, and countless others we had to return to their rightful owners, there's that one particular look on her that I know very well.  
"Hana-chan, what it is this time?" I asked her. "Promise not to get mad mommy!" she quickly replied, eyes damp and sparkling. "We've talked about it love, we can't keep another kitty no matter how cute it is, now bring it over so we can return it." I replied with a smile, stroking her head lightly. I know how emotional she gets when it comes to little abandoned animals.  
What a surprise was it for me to see a blonde haired, blue eyed kid, just slightly bigger than Hana-chan, coming from behind the door into the room, and immediately clinging onto Hana-chan's dress.  
"Mama he can't speak, we must take care of him!"  
And indeed, I tried asking the kid for his name, and who his parents were, but all he did was holding on Hana-chan just a little bit tighter and looking a little shyer, his eyes pinned onto the floor. She was standing tall, her gaze intense as she looked into my eyes, even though her eyes still sparkled, ready to protect the boy at all costs.  
Then a sudden knock on the door, and there I see a panting Mafuyu-chan, whom I haven't seen in about a year. He notices the boy and exclaims, breathing heavily "Миша, где ты был? Я тебя повсюду искал!*" and the kid starts crying "Papa!" as he runs into his embrace.  
After a few embarrassed apologies on both of our parts, and a very awkward explanation from Hana-chan, who apparently picked him up from the playground because he looked lonesome, it turns out Mafuyu-chan and Ritsuka-kun are back from Russia for a week already, and they moved to a new place, just across the street. They did not come back alone though, the adoption process was completed successfully, and Misha-chan is now a part of their little family.

Over the past six months, those two have been inseparable, playing with the cats on rainy days and catching cicadas and giving me heart attacks on the sunny ones. Misha-chan had some troubles with the neighborhood's kids, who were making fun of his unusual looks, but that girl is always by his side. She's always the one to chase the bullies away, she never ceases to amaze me.  
"Misha-chan, come here, I'll show you my treasure!" I heard Hana-chan exclaiming excitedly the other day. "It is Nii-san's!" A few untuned accords followed.  
Later, I asked Hana-chan where did she learn it, "Papa and Otto-san showed me! Did you know Papa has just the same guitar?" His sounds different though." I made a mental note to ask Mafuyu-chan to teach her how to tune it. I am sure you'd be so happy to see your baby sister's eyes shine, as she holds the way-too-big guitar close and works on a sound of her own.

My days are filled with simple bliss. I am never lonely and Hana-chan makes sure I'm never bored either. It doesn't mean that you're not with me. I miss you so much. People say that time heals, but as time pass, I only miss you more. There are so many good things in our life, and as time goes by I have more and more I'd like to tell you, more things I'd like you to know, to see. I look at Hana-chan and wonder what I could've done differently, but that girl is way more perceptive than you'd expect from a 6 years-old. "You worry mama." She tells me. "It's okay mama." And yet again, I feel as if it is you, talking to me.  
Looking at her, taking Misha-chan by the hand and leading the way to new adventures, always protecting him, laughing and learning together, makes me think that maybe, after all, I've done something right.

Our lives are filled with pain and happiness, oh how I wish I could share it all with both of my children.

I love you so much,  
I'll write to you soon again, just like every year, with the first snow.  
Mom.

* "Misha, where were you, I've been searching all over for you!


End file.
